Bending time and impossible moments for my daughter. I wish that I could slow things down while she is so young and completely focus on her. Here is my hand reaching for earth attempting to slow down the course it is on.

I will not accept less than what I am

I will not be only partially myself because it is prettier or happier

I will be gritty and raw and beautiful and whole

I do love fiercely

Love is at the core of my being

But I know sometimes love is the awakened fire within 

Burning down bridges that no longer serve me

Enough with the thoughts of 'just let it go'

Enough with light and energy washing away the pain

Revel in the pain. Let it resonate. Understand where it is coming from and let it fester until it has eaten away what it needs. Allow yourself to feel exactly what is happening. Let the fire reign in. Let the anger burn. And every day we grow a fraction stronger than the day before.

Do not fear darkness. This is a constant circle. Let the pain in to begin again. Do not kill your body. Let the part of you that cannot go on kill itself. Let your body begin again and start new.

Flowing right along with the thoughts on motherhood, isolation, and transformation.

My next ideas are creating shirts for adults and children. Theses shirts are interconnected and individually worked on. Anyone wearing one will be connected to another and like this web, we are not completely alone when we participate.
Spiritual shirts
Kids love shirts
And boob shirts. Because why not.  I think many people would enjoy it and the freedom of it. Shamed for having breasts? Shame for nipples? Shame for breastfeeding in public? Nope. Not anymore.

As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because she was my friend.

But instead of leaving her
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," she said, "what could I do?
You never let them go."

28"x36" chalk pastel. and some experimenting with chalk paint. 

As a mother with mother friends, a common factor for mom's today is loneliness. There is no tribe. There are no neighbors anymore. Most of us spend a lot of alone time with the kids. Especially if we have to work and are possibly in school. How often is ther free time for the kids? At least we try to give them socialization by paying for preschool that costs more than gold.
More and more therapists and Holistic Health Practitioners are popping up with aid for parents who are losing themselves in the loneliness. But also in putting their kids first. Which, duh, of course they come first and how can we not put them first?However on a related note, the new age 'gentle parenting' has seen more effects of guilt and deprivation on the parents. I have learned a lot from following gentle parents on Facebook, I can totally understand how draining it could be. I still do not understand exactly what it is, mostly what it is not. No hitting, or uplifting words of gender bias, or unequal competitive games even. Also I have learned I am a free range parent. Which sounds like I am raising uncooped eggs and I had no idea there was even a category for it. SO anyways, there are a ton of new age categories for parenting styles dos and donts today. My conclusion is many of them lead to alot of guilt and shame on parents not upholding the biblical rules of the groups. I could not care a less what anyone has to say about raising my child. I am done with random advice. Love your child. Ask John Lennon, that is all you need.
So it is funny in the isolation these mom groups online have exploded and birthed so many parenting styles. Which is great for women to connect and learn from each other's stories. And the fights between strangers is interesting to read through sometimes. But ultimately we are going to parent our children with the tools we have and hopefully believe in ourselves enough to do it. Asking others for the answers everyday only creates more mental issues.
I definitely find myself entranced by the groups and being able to connect to other moms. But enough is enough and I am so bored with it now. To many babies running the mom crowd man.

If moms really want to help their kids. Get off the phone. Or computer and play. Stop talking about how much you do for them and judging others when you are all on the internet together. Sometimes, myself included. Though often it is for homework. I really try not to let her see me on my phone. Because that is all she will want to do.

The idea of being alone in motherhood is at the forefront of my thinking. Most of my mom friends are not single mothers, however they are just as lonely as I am most of the day. There is no tribe helping with the food, cleaning, bathing, screaming. No one is there watching the children laugh and sing. Most of the time we mothers are very alone. It has not been this way for very long in society, but for those of us living it, this is all we know. I started a drawing on two papers connecting today. The top piece has my daughter laying on my back as she reaches down for something with joy on her face. My face stares at the viewer in exhaustion. Which is exactly how the picture I’m drawing from looks. Her face is laughing in joy and mine is staring at the camera with intense contrast to her in the black circles under my eyes defeated look. Though it was just in the moment the picture perfectly describes motherhood for me now. The bottom drawing is my bare back holding up a bar with planets on it. I am not sure what I going to be laying on. Xia will be colored vibrantly whereas the top ‘me’ will be a ghost under her of the universally tired mother. The other ‘me’ holding up her world will be colored like Xia as she is reaching to lift me up while I hold our universe in balance for her. Heavy burden of motherhood but always so rewarding. Hopefully I can pull of drawing her mouth as it is laughing. That will be very challenging angle to get right. But as for the rest of the piece I am very excited about this. Not sure if I should incorporate another string interaction on motherhood. If I do in the future it will be using prints.

 

little shoes walking over the walls
like hills filling lines in the sand
bumps of children playing around the room
so many children playing and free
in the imagination of time
floating clock of cream
churn the cream to butter
molding the children into adults
curdle the cream into cheese
why the abuse that so many face
if only change the race
of rats from mice to men
over and over singing for friends
but the abused stand watching the clock tick by
they see it backwards upside down rewind
spinning faster trying to fly
they see the clock hands turn to dust
tick tock clock of sand
gears of time looking over the years
memories lost and found
a person of whim always around
they dip their feet in whatever they can
melting prints wherever they stand
walking but dancing
grinding the wheel
churning the ocean of the cogs great wheel

what's in a name? Conversation

What makes people uncomfortable?
New conversations. Any conversation with eye contact. What has become so difficult about talking aloud?  If people could stare into each others eyes for longer than five seconds is it because they want to have sex or kill each other? Why is that what is believed of conversation these days. What if people sat across from a stranger and attempted to talk about anything meaningful without glancing at a phone or computer for a few minutes. What would there be said if no technological references were made. Nothing about social media. Nothing about Netflix. Nothing external of worldly debates made fact of fiction by the media. What is left to discuss? Something personal perhaps. Something historical about themselves. Something meaningful they could share. Who would want to try this though? How terrifying to be real in person when technology could blanket any words we would ever like to share.